Posted by beansbaxter in As I sit here in my hotel room in Illinois, I await my time of departure back to Seattle which comes tomorrow. To be honest, the last two days have left my mind already departed. When I came here, my expectations were high and my intentions were explained by what I felt inside. My mind is departing because disappointment continues to happen.
Why is it I want more than I can have?
If you would asked me this ten years ago, perhaps you would have said I was naive. Perhaps you would have thought I lacked enough maturity to really understand. I would have not expected anything less than the common barrage of negative explanations, even if I truly felt my mind was right. Have you ever thought or wanted something that felt everything that was meant to be right but to have it fall out of your reach? Who am I to understand I have no choice in the matter rather to feel helpless?
My current disappointment stems from what I expected and the circumstances that dictated otherwise. My mind is filled with chaos as this trip has turned from a therapeutic mission to something of disorder and heartache. I understand the situation but the terms of it suffocate me.
The only word that describes this process is suffocation. I feel suffocated, empty, with a complete loss of breath. My stomach is uneasy, I feel nauseous, and I feel desolation has begun to set in. I need comfort, something to give me that air I am losing right now, but the oxygen won’t come tonight.
What I am about to describe may be the lowest point of my entire life. To understand completely, to have the desire to want something so bad yet know you cannot have that in which you seek, to know what you want feels right, to know what you want supersedes everything else you’ve ever wanted out of life, to take everything you’ve thought and learned about throughout life and be willing to throw it to the wind at a whim, to recognize that passion that will not make a difference, and to grasp onto a cognitive thought that directly correlates with everything that is internally true with no false distinctions.
I have had some low points in my life. Tonight, this Sunday evening as I sit here in a hotel room in Illinois, is to date the absolute lowest. I just don’t understand, and yet it doesn’t matter either. Ten years ago I would have had immature understanding, but today that pain overshadows my mind’s ability to grasp onto something that I want for all the right reasons.
I know that I will never be able to explain myself, and no one will ever understand this except for me. I do not write this to make people worry, but at the same time I don’t want to suffocate either.
“All Things Must Pass” ~George Harrison
Sunrise doesnt last all morning
A cloudburst doesnt last all day
Seems my love is up and has left you with no warning
Its not always going to be this grey
All things must pass
All things must pass away
Sunset doesnt last all evening
A mind can blow those clouds away
After all this, my love is up and must be leaving
Its not always going to be this grey
All things must pass
All things must pass away
All things must pass
None of lifes strings can last
So, I must be on my way
And face another day
Now the darkness only stays the night-time
In the morning it will fade away
Daylight is good at arriving at the right time
Its not always going to be this grey
All things must pass
All things must pass away
All things must pass
All things must pass away
Are you sad cause the seahawks lost? It ruined my day too.
j/k….all joking aside, hope you get through whatever it is that plagues you. You have a very remarkable writing style. I really enjoyed reading that even though it is depressing.
Best of luck.
Not sure what happened, but just keep in mind when one door shuts another one opens. Sometimes you see the doors and sometimes they are hiden but they are always there.
Ecclesiastes 1
Everything Is Meaningless
1 The words of the Teacher, [a] son of David, king in Jerusalem:
2 “Meaningless! Meaningless!”
says the Teacher.
“Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless.”
3 What does man gain from all his labor
at which he toils under the sun?
4 Generations come and generations go,
but the earth remains forever.
5 The sun rises and the sun sets,
and hurries back to where it rises.
6 The wind blows to the south
and turns to the north;
round and round it goes,
ever returning on its course.
7 All streams flow into the sea,
yet the sea is never full.
To the place the streams come from,
there they return again.
8 All things are wearisome,
more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing,
nor the ear its fill of hearing.
9 What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun.
10 Is there anything of which one can say,
“Look! This is something new”?
It was here already, long ago;
it was here before our time.
11 There is no remembrance of men of old,
and even those who are yet to come
will not be remembered
by those who follow.
Wisdom Is Meaningless
12 I, the Teacher, was king over Israel in Jerusalem. 13 I devoted myself to study and to explore by wisdom all that is done under heaven. What a heavy burden God has laid on men! 14 I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind.
15 What is twisted cannot be straightened;
what is lacking cannot be counted.
16 I thought to myself, “Look, I have grown and increased in wisdom more than anyone who has ruled over Jerusalem before me; I have experienced much of wisdom and knowledge.” 17 Then I applied myself to the understanding of wisdom, and also of madness and folly, but I learned that this, too, is a chasing after the wind.
18 For with much wisdom comes much sorrow;
the more knowledge, the more grief.
Ecclesiastes 2
Pleasures Are Meaningless
1 I thought in my heart, “Come now, I will test you with pleasure to find out what is good.” But that also proved to be meaningless. 2 “Laughter,” I said, “is foolish. And what does pleasure accomplish?” 3 I tried cheering myself with wine, and embracing folly—my mind still guiding me with wisdom. I wanted to see what was worthwhile for men to do under heaven during the few days of their lives.
4 I undertook great projects: I built houses for myself and planted vineyards. 5 I made gardens and parks and planted all kinds of fruit trees in them. 6 I made reservoirs to water groves of flourishing trees. 7 I bought male and female slaves and had other slaves who were born in my house. I also owned more herds and flocks than anyone in Jerusalem before me. 8 I amassed silver and gold for myself, and the treasure of kings and provinces. I acquired men and women singers, and a harem [a] as well—the delights of the heart of man. 9 I became greater by far than anyone in Jerusalem before me. In all this my wisdom stayed with me.
10 I denied myself nothing my eyes desired;
I refused my heart no pleasure.
My heart took delight in all my work,
and this was the reward for all my labor.
11 Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done
and what I had toiled to achieve,
everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind;
nothing was gained under the sun.
Wisdom and Folly Are Meaningless
12 Then I turned my thoughts to consider wisdom,
and also madness and folly.
What more can the king’s successor do
than what has already been done?
13 I saw that wisdom is better than folly,
just as light is better than darkness.
14 The wise man has eyes in his head,
while the fool walks in the darkness;
but I came to realize
that the same fate overtakes them both.
15 Then I thought in my heart,
“The fate of the fool will overtake me also.
What then do I gain by being wise?”
I said in my heart,
“This too is meaningless.”
16 For the wise man, like the fool, will not be long remembered;
in days to come both will be forgotten.
Like the fool, the wise man too must die!
Toil Is Meaningless
17 So I hated life, because the work that is done under the sun was grievous to me. All of it is meaningless, a chasing after the wind. 18 I hated all the things I had toiled for under the sun, because I must leave them to the one who comes after me. 19 And who knows whether he will be a wise man or a fool? Yet he will have control over all the work into which I have poured my effort and skill under the sun. This too is meaningless. 20 So my heart began to despair over all my toilsome labor under the sun. 21 For a man may do his work with wisdom, knowledge and skill, and then he must leave all he owns to someone who has not worked for it. This too is meaningless and a great misfortune. 22 What does a man get for all the toil and anxious striving with which he labors under the sun? 23 All his days his work is pain and grief; even at night his mind does not rest. This too is meaningless.
24 A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, 25 for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment? 26 To the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.
Who wrote this???? King Solomon - he had everything he wanted!!! Look at 2:25 - powerful words - Brother I am talking to myself too!!!!!
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