Feeling Complacent
January 15, 2007
What is the advantage of feeling complacent? How does this differ from the pathological state of euphoria? How can just one disdainful look crush one’s confidence? My own personal certitude is now in doubt; I have no assurance of anything anymore. I don’t know if I can ever regain all that was once lost.
Lack of Oxygen
January 14, 2007
Illinois: As I sit here in my hotel room in Illinois, I await my time of departure back to Seattle which comes tomorrow. To be honest, the last two days have left my mind already departed. When I came here, my expectations were high and my intentions were explained by what I felt inside. My mind is departing because disappointment continues to happen.
Why is it I want more than I can have?
If you would asked me this ten years ago, perhaps you would have said I was naïve. Perhaps you would have thought I lacked enough maturity to really understand. I would have not expected anything less than the common barrage of negative explanations, even if I truly felt my mind was right. Have you ever thought or wanted something that felt everything that was meant to be right but to have it fall out of your reach? Who am I to understand I have no choice in the matter rather to feel helpless?
My current disappointment stems from what I expected and the circumstances that dictated otherwise. My mind is filled with chaos as this trip has turned from a therapeutic mission to something of disorder and heartache. I understand the situation but the terms of it suffocate me.
The only word that describes this process is suffocation. I feel suffocated, empty, with a complete loss of breath. My stomach is uneasy, I feel nauseous, and I feel desolation has begun to set in. I need comfort, something to give me that air I am losing right now, but the oxygen won’t come tonight.
What I am about to describe may be the lowest point of my entire life. To understand completely, to have the desire to want something so bad yet know you cannot have that in which you seek, to know what you want feels right, to know what you want supersedes everything else you’ve ever wanted out of life, to take everything you’ve thought and learned about throughout life and be willing to throw it to the wind at a whim, to recognize that passion that will not make a difference, and to grasp onto a cognitive thought that directly correlates with everything that is internally true with no false distinctions.
I have had some low points in my life. Tonight, this Sunday evening as I sit here in a hotel room in Illinois, is to date the absolute lowest. I just don’t understand, and yet it doesn’t matter either. Ten years ago I would have had immature understanding, but today that pain overshadows my mind’s ability to grasp onto something that I want for all the right reasons.
I know that I will never be able to explain myself, and no one will ever understand this except for me. I do not write this to make people worry, but at the same time I don’t want to suffocate either.
